Sunday, July 3, 2011

To Where You Are

Maybe John Lennon and Paul McCartney knew the secret.  After all, the words to their beautiful hymn aren't "When I find myself in joy and contentment...Mother Mary comes to me".  So do I have to be suffering, or in anguish to feel my Mom's spirit?  Is she only able to find me in times of trouble? 

When we are struggling here, does some alarm sound beckoning our loved ones back to comfort us?  And does only pain open our hearts to receive their message?

Years ago, I was mired in the turmoil of a failing relationship.  Stressed and disappointed with my choices, I was facing questions I didn't really want answered. Sleep wasn't coming, and I was often walking the floors while my family slept.  

After yet another round of the same argument and the hopelessness that followed, I went downstairs to sleep on the living room couch.  Lying there in the darkness, I was distraught and afraid.. 

All of a sudden, I had the feeling that someone was standing outside my front door.  I froze, half expecting the doorbell to ring.  I realized that I already knew who it was.  That energy belonged to my grandmother (Muzzie to us)...she had been dead nearly 5 years. 

I thought, no... I knew if I opened the door, she would be standing there to embrace me.  This feeling of incredible love and comfort washed over me.  I didn't move. I wanted to speak, but I couldn't form words.  In those incredible moments, I could not deny her message for me.... everything was going to be okay.

Last night, my sister described the closeness she has been feeling to Mom during a particularly trying few weeks, and the undeniable signs she has witnessed.  She lovingly reminded me of her faith in something beyond this life and the proof found in the countless stories of others.  She believes and I ache to join her in that place again.

But I am grappling with my doubts.  In my here and now,  it feels like every day is just another exercise in learning to soldier on without Mom.  I tell myself I am getting better at it.. gradually becoming resigned to the emptiness without her perspective, her wisdom and her friendship.  

As the oldest, my connection to Mom inspired and sustained me. I didn't realize how much until I lost her.  It was like having super powers.  Now,  I am just an anyone who has lost the ability to fly. 

I need a stronger sign that she goes on; a dream, a undeniable visitation like the one from Muzzie; perhaps even a message JUST FOR ME. 

Please be out there Mom...somewhere waiting for me to find the right spiritual frequency to connect with you again.  

Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile

If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are.


  1. For whatever reason, this post didn't pop up on my list, but Dad told me it was here and it's beautiful.

    "Like someone who has lost the ability to fly." That helps me understand exactly what losing of Mom has meant to you. She looked at you that way - as if you were carrying your dreams, and hers, on your wings.

    Either she is with you, longing for your company and trying to connect, or there is no truth at all in the universe.

  2. Your words could have been written by me. I need a sign from my mom. Since she died in Nov 2008, I've had 5 dreams about her. We walked together, talked, and for just a few moments she was with me again. In the last dream I had about my mom, she was dead. I woke up gasping for breath. I was crying so hard in the dream that I couldn't breathe.

    I also believe she's come to visit, as things have happened for which there is no other explanation. But she hasn't been around for awhile. As I wrote in my last blog, I'm scared that my mom is gone forever. No more dreams. No more visits. No more signs. I'm sad because I feel like I've lost my mom all over again.

    I need a sign from her, something I know is definitely my mom. I miss her. I still need her.

    Take care ~ Kathy