What Dreams May Come

She was in my dreams last night....the woman I have until now, been unable to remember.  Haunted by sadness and regret, grief has only allowed me to remember the stooped, frail woman at the end of her life..the un-invincible Mother who slipped away even as we fought so hard to keep her with us.

My dreams since her death have been filled with re-enactments of various stages in her decline. In them she is sick or just a shadow of herself .  When I wake up, the questions linger...ones with no good answers.  What could we have done differently?  Why didn't we do something sooner? Did we do enough? Why didn't she tell someone what was happening to her? The list goes on...

But in my latest dream, she was the woman BEFORE... beautiful, vital and so very alive. She looked to be a few years older than I am now...in her late 50's, maybe early 60's. 

In the dream, everyone was together.  It felt like a family gathering, and Mom was larger than life...she was radiant, happy and engaged in all the goings on.  I was surprised when I saw Dad with more hair and looking younger as well.  

I found myself standing outside alone with him and I put my hands on his shoulders and said, " Dad, now you can tell her!" " Tell her what?" he asked.  " All the things you didn't get to say." He nodded.

" What will you tell her?" he asked. "I just want to thank her for being my mother...."

Suddenly, I was somewhere else;  away from them both.  I was trying to find a suitcase (?) so I could "get ready".  I wanted to get back to them; to her, and the urgency I was feeling made everything move slower.  I couldn't find the clothes I had planned to wear, I needed to shower, but was unsure where that was.  My make-up was missing, and I was bogged down in the slow molasses of dreamtime. 

Then, someone put their hand on my shoulder and said, "It's too late.  You can't go back now.  They only look like that in the light, and it is dark outside."  I woke up.

Was it her message to me?  I'm not sure.  I do know that the feelings I experienced in the dream have inspired me to find a new way to remember my mother.  

I know she would not want me to only think of her as she was near the end.  She would rejoice in my memories of her laughter, her smile at the front door, and her melodic, low voice speaking my name over the phone..."Angie, it's Mom" she would say.  

It is time to venture beyond the darkness.. I want to remember again how she looked in the light.