Goodbye again

She was in my dream last night; my beautiful Mother, with the voice I ache to hear, and the presence that filled my life and my heart whenever she was around. She was back in the hospital, and I was relishing the music of her voice as she was recounting the mundane things about her care and the hospital staff. Dad went to get her prescriptions. Next she became very sick, and then near death. As we began gathering around her, she was strangely lying face down in her hospital bed. She was unmoving, silent, and we were trying to decide if she was “gone”. All of a sudden, she miraculously rose and began walking around, completely healed.

She wanted me to help her find the doctor we had dubbed Drama Queen, a portly gray-haired man who had scared my mother into the surgery that I believe hastened her death.. Ironically, in real life he could only exhibit a lack of patience with her when she was most afraid, and with us whenever we challenged his God complex. When we found him in the dream, sitting in the lunchroom, I said to him, “You didn’t even realize she died, did you?” He looked up at us, and even though my mother was standing right beside me, I realized he couldn’t see her.

Next she and I were in the hall, and she was sitting in a chair, and I was kneeling in front of her, holding her hands. She said to me, “I am just not ready to leave all of you”. I said, “Mom, it’s okay” and I woke up.

With love I lied…it’s not okay, and in some ways, it will never be okay again. I swallow my tears, get up and off to work, and make a silent appointment to cry at the end of the day.