Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes
It's time to try defying gravity
My heart is pounding. It is January 8th and I know it is time, but I am afraid. After months of living in the cocoon of grief, I am not sure if I can even find the parts of me that curled up into the fetal position when Mom died. Much of what I once cared about feels unimportant… even frivolous. Nothing is the same. I am not the same.
In our life before, my husband Ron and I often dreamed of leaving our footprints around the world. Now as we sit in front of the computer shopping for hotels and flights, I am preparing to metaphorically BASE jump off a cliff with a chute I am not sure will open. Ron sits calmly. He has waited patiently all these months…hoping for the butterfly.
I take a deep breath and click the PURCHASE button. I glance up to see a greeting card long ago tacked to my office wall. It reads: Do one thing every day that scares you. What the hell kind of arrogant bravado made me find that inspiring??? The itinerary starts inching out of the printer… there is no turning back.
I have just committed to fly for hours and hours across the water. I will be abandoning my cocoon, the refuge of home, and all the people I don’t want to live without. Ron and I will take our over-developed curiosity to a foreign country. We will attempt to communicate politely in another language, and explore without looking completely lost.
“10 days in IT-LEE? What is my wife doing in IT-LEE?” (Have you seen the movie, Only You?)
I turn to Ron and he searches my face to take in all the things he knows I cannot say. I don’t want him to see me cry, but later when I am alone, I won’t have to be brave. The triumph is bittersweet, and it hurts knowing that I can’t share the news and relish the plan with Mom.
Because of her, I learned to listen to and trust my “still small voice”…that inner prompting that speaks from your soul. It is where your heart’s desires are sheltered, even when you are reeling from life’s disappointments. It is love and your eternal, unwavering source of TRUTH.
The Italian adventure awaits....5 days and counting.